Meant To Be - The Beginning (Kissed Sequel)
by SabArtFan
Summary: The first time Magnus had laid eyes on the note and went through the flourished letters of Camille's writing, he hadn't thought much of it. (...) But, right now, as the almost soundless footsteps of Alec were fading down the staircase… He felt like he was back in time all over again. - Magnus pov B-Up, and we see Malec process to get back together. Let me know if you like it ! :)
1. Break-Up

**Ok I know nobody really wants to read that again as it all broke our hearts but trust me! I really wanted to see Magnus pov of the break up and work my way from there back up to Malec reunion. Cause this is all what it is about... Fixing the end ;) And you can also see it at the sequel to Kissed (even if its not done... But it will definitely end with the break up). So I just hope you'll bear with me and go through this even if its hard... I promise it end well :)**

**The art cover for the story is from this amazing artist IncubusGrave who allowed me to use it (omg thankkks so much XD). So here's a shout out for her amazing talent and pleasse! look her up :)**

** www. deviant art (slash) art / I-will-love-you- 289873949 (or incubusgrave . deviantart .com) Without the space of course!**

**THANKS!**

**Disclaimer : don't own nothing just my writing !**

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Chapter 1 : Break-up

The first time Magnus had laid eyes on the note and went through the flourished letters of Camille's writing, he hadn't thought much of it. He had thought it was still one of her petty tricks to get a hold on him of some sort. Even though he knew Camille had always been the kind of person in love with power, and that she would get it at any cost (Lilith was example enough), he never understood her need of manipulating people till they all crawled to her feet. He sure gave her all of his love when they used to be together but it never had been enough. She wanted him as a pet, a puppet, not a companion. She had given up on the whole institution of love after Woosley's brother death, it had seemed.

But, right now, as the almost soundless footsteps of Alec were fading down the staircase… He felt like he was back in time all over again. His being the puppet, and Camille blurring, crashing his certainties just for the fun of it. He was staring at the ceiling, his side burning a little bit as it healed and he just couldn't quite grasp the enormity of what was happening. He realized how much he loved Alec when he actually thought of just letting this slip by… Surely, he would get around to it. But then, how come this was happening in the first place? His heart ached like it hadn't been in hundreds of years… maybe like it never did. He sure knew that, through all these centuries, he had never felt this way before. How ironic that a shadowhunter, and a Lightwood, would make him feel this awful anguish.

For a few moments, his mind lingered on Tessa's faith, how her courageous attitude toward love had always impressed him. She had seen Jem taken away from her and then she had watch the years rip off slowly Will and her children of their health, shortening the time they had with her. The worst of all was that he knew deeply now, why warlocks never had children. Comforting Tessa after her losses had forever disgusted him of profound feelings, or so he had thought. His universe of parties and dizziness had kept him occupied all this time… until he had laid eyes on these blue, deep ones. Will's eyes. It had stricken him at this moment. He would not be able to avoid feelings forever. Even if he had believed, and sometimes he still thought it, that evolving in an almost complete numbness made immortality bearable, it still had felt empty.

He closed his eyes, feeling that he was just circling the problem, trying to avoid making a decision he didn't want to make. The pain was growing every time he sank his mind into the situation. Alec had not trusted him. He hadn't believed him, neither listened, when he had told him Camille was a poisonous cobra. Most of all, his obsession over Magnus's immortality (past and future) had drawn him to extremities intolerable for someone, like him, who'd lived so long. When years went on like snapping your fingers, you didn't act foolishly on important matters. Life's most violent emotions tended to run over you like simple wavelets in a lake. It gave you a little shiver when it happened but it faded away quickly.

Magnus stood up, anger filling him slowly but with an implacable force. He usually never got angry, waste of energy to his opinion but, in front of Alec's own frustrating and careless mortal way of being, his compulsion toward their relationship… No, to be completely honest, he was mostly angry at himself. Angry for falling again over a broken perfection, for letting himself live an burn so brightly and fiercely, for letting himself hope again… for breathing and being alive under Alec's glowing and flaring love. Of course, he couldn't resist. But, as before, he would have seen the end coming, this time, he had not. He hadn't wanted to. And this was his mistake… It was time to correct that. If immortality was his everyday burden, it was still better than all this awful pain and desperation, the laid out certainty of more to come. Hoping humans to be… More than mortals. It was an impossible goal to achieve.

He didn't take the time to fix himself; he just slid on a coat and walk straight out. He was too afraid to change his mind. Alec's absence and upcoming desertion was already nagging him, surrounding him with heaviness. He walked faster in the dark, night streets of New York, trying to keep his mind blank. He used to be so good at it, not it was a constant effort. All along the way, his determination faltered, fading in front of the empty abyss leaving Alec would bring him. He kept swallowing down bile and feeling dizzy while he walked and walked to the bottom creepy hole Camille hid herself in. Vampires and their tastes! If he had to fight with his decision for a long moment, it all crystallized in place when Alec's witchlight and slumped figure came into view…

He had to stop for a few moments, his breath catching in his throat, almost choking him. He couldn't run away from it now. Camille had won again. Something inside Magnus broke apart, vanishing to maybe never come back. In the back of his head, a little voice told him it might have been the last remnant of humanity that had hidden inside his soul. Now it was gone. It's with a face of pure coldness and distance that he called out.

- "Alec. Alexander Gideon Lightwood."

Alec posture told him all about his frozen shock. He could tell and almost see his world crumbling apart. Somehow, it still touched him a little but not enough.

- "Magnus?"

Magnus moved forward, almost against his will, facing an unchangeable course of action. It was time to lay the cards. He saw Alec's eyes run over him and then take in how serious the situation was, for Magnus never left the house without an awful care to his appearance. He shifted uncomfortably to his feet and said:

- "Magnus, I thought you were asleep."

If any hope had been left to Magnus, these few words killed it and it's with a harsh voice that he answered.

- "Evidently."

Alec's uneasiness grew faster, he swallowed hard and Magnus couldn't help but wonder how his lover unhappiness didn't affect him right now. Years of indifference had caught up with him, the walls back in place.

- "Did you follow me?"

Sharp pain stabbed him, thinking how he had been aware of Alec's whereabouts, he refrained them violently. He stiffly moved his hand to his pocket and retrieved the abhorred square paper. Even though spotless, to him it looked filthy, just as her owner. This was going to be more difficult than he had thought. He extended his hand so Alec could see what he was holding and swallowing hard, he said:

- "You know, when she told me you'd been here – told me about the bargain she'd struck with you – I didn't believe her. I didn't _want_ to believe her. But there you are."

- "Camille _told_ you –"

This was too much, he held out a hand to stop hearing these muttering disbeliefs. Surely he was not that naive but... again, this was such a mortal way of being. And God knew his Alec had always been blunt about everything.

- "Of course she told me. I warned you she was a master at manipulation and politics, but you didn't listen to me." His temper was starting to leak out and he tried to keep his voice even. "Who do you think she'd rather have on her side – me or you? You're eighteen years old, Alexander. You're not exactly a powerful ally."

Alec was starting to look panicked and he rushed to the words, trying to make him see, make him understand... but it was too late, even though he wished it wasn't.

- "I already told her" Alec said, "I wouldn't kill Raphael. I came here and told her the bargain was off, I wouldn't do it-"

Magnus grew colder, empty, every minute passing by but kept pushing his awful logic on Alec and himself, at the same time, crushing every remaining fire to ashes.

- "You had to come all the way here, to this abandoned subway station, to deliver that message?" His eyebrows shot up in fake disbelief. "You don't think you could have delivered essentially the same message by, perhaps, staying away?"

- "It was" – Alec stammered but unfaltering Magnus train of thought.

- "And even if you did come here –unnecessarily – and tell her the deal was off" he went on, coldness now struggling him, "why are you here _now_? Just visiting? Explain it to me, Alexander, if there's something I'm missing."

He couldn't help but find himself cruel at this point but it seemed like a venomous and vicious pain had strike him down and left him bare of all outside compassion, leaving behind a wall of inhuman emptiness. As he saw Alec's face struggling with words, feelings, trying to get him back to him, he somehow knew that this was a bit of his fault... He had opened up to Alec but never enough, hiding everything, swapping away what he had lived before as if it would spoils rotten what grew between them. He was so scared. He had always been scared and now, more than ever, it seemed, age didn't cure that. Being faced with the trueness of his own doubts had hollowed him. Yes, somehow he was to blame too... and becoming aware of that started to crack his walls slowly.

- "Magnus –"

Alec moved toward him and a little moment of panic made him loose his ground and he stepped away, looking remote. This seemed to hurt Alec more than anything he had said before and he felt a small tug at his heart. By the angel, please let me go through this without crumbling.

- "I'm so sorry." Alec's voice sounded awfully cracked, struggled. "I never meant –"

He gave up. He couldn't face this emotionless anymore. He loved Alec too much to offer him less than a bit of truth, even though it wouldn't alter his decision. He briefly caressed the dreams that had been his a few hours ago and shared a bit of them with his ex-lover.

- "I was thinking about it you know" he said slowly, contemplating. "That's part of why I wanted the Book of the White. Immortality can be a burden. You think of the days that stretch before you, when you have been everywhere, seen everything. The one thing I hadn't experience was growing old with someone – someone I loved. I thought perhaps it would be you. But that does not give you the right to make the length of my life _your choice_ and not mine."

- "I know." Alec's voice rushed, sensing the end near, trying to reach through him. "I know and I wasn't going to do it..."

Magnus couldn't bear the desperation mixed with hope in Alec's voice anymore.

- "I'll be out all day" he said, flatly. "Come and get your things out of the apartment. Leave your key on the dining room table." He plunged his eyes into Alec's, making sure this sank in. "It's over. These words ripped off his heart in two but he kept going, the walls still holding. I don't want to see you again, Alec. Or any of your friends. I'm tired of being their pet warlock."

Through his careful laid out protection, he saw Alec's hands starting to shake, realisation dawning on him. He shook so hard that his witchlight fell to the dirty ground. Unable to contain the wave of suffering he felt for Alec's pain that had fall to his knees, as if they were unable to keep him standing anymore, Magnus stepped forward, grabbing the witchlight Alec was fumbling for. Like an old friend, which it was, it shone and flickered, recognizing his touch. Alec glared at him blankly.

- "It shouldn't light up like that" he said. "For anyone but a shadowhunter."

He kept quiet and held out the stone, now glowing red, like his gift from long ago to Will. It wasn't Alec's place to know his secrets anymore, maybe it never had. They never gave themselves the chance to find that out.

- "Is it because of your father?" Alec's flat voice muttered.

This almost made Magnus smile but didn't; Alec and his questions. He had always wanted answers but couldn't bear them. Just as Simon couldn't grasp the concept of his own immortality, Alec never did understand Magnus's; what it really meant and how heavy it felt... How he had wished the memories to fade, so he wouldn't get stuck in his own pitiful nightmare of losses and pain. How he had struggle to keep afloat with Alec's need of constant reassurance. Alec couldn't float and let go. He tipped his hand down on top of Alec, letting the rune-stone fall into his hand... that was awfully icy. Uncontainable, his worries flared up and he couldn't help but say:

- "You're freezing cold."

Alec answered him numbly, uncaring of his own welfare.

- "I am?"

The emptiness in his eyes twisted his heart enough to shift his trembling composure. The indifference walls exploded, leaving him as shaking and nauseous as Alec seemed to be. He felt sweaty although he knew his skin was dry. Desperation crawled up inside him, knowing that even the overwhelming feelings wouldn't step on centuries of self-preservation.

- "Alexander..." he said, utterly sad, pulling him close, reaching for a last embrace, a useless comfort. The witchling between them shifted different colors, reading emotions or simply mixed blood, shadowhunter and warlock.

Alec laid his head on Magnus's shoulder and he let him, pain and bitter joy swirling within his soul. He felt the pull between them that had brought them together in the first place. Thinking of walking away from it was so excruciating that he couldn't resist Alec's request.

- "Kiss me" he said.

Magnus's hand went up to Alec's face, with a will of his own, reaching to grasp every detail of the skin they used to know almost better then themselves. It rested on the nest of Alec's cheek while his thumb retraced all the loved lines and angles of his beautiful pale face. Immersed in his complete and dejected sadness, Magnus conquered his blue-eyed boy lips one last time. They had the feel of so strong familiarity that his whole body ached in tragic need but all the same, it already felt as if they were a million miles of each other. Alec's hand grabbed him desperately on the arm, expressing out both their needs of each other. His nervous system cried in anguish, expecting the loss and Magnus barely noticed the witchlight making a show of his own. He lost himself in this slow and terribly sad kiss, trying to leave the best of himself with this man who had once justified by his own existence years of complete monotony... He barely noticed it when his lips whispered what he deeply felt:

- "_Aku cinta kamu."_

- "What does it means?" Alec said, wonder disputing pain.

His hand first left the beloved boy and all the rest of himself reluctantly followed, getting free of Alec's grip. He lost himself in Alec's blue eyes while he answered.

- "It means I love you. Not that that changes anything."

Alec blinked, confused, afraid.

- "But if you love me –"

Fatality seemed to swallow the last of Magnus anguish over the inevitable end. He had known it wouldn't work... though he had hoped and locked up the doubts.

- "Of course I do. More than I thought I would. But we're still done, he said. It doesn't change what you did."

Alec dropped his head low, almost defeated.

- "But it was just a mistake" he tried again, whispering. "One mistake –"

A bit of anger came back and Magnus let out a bitter laugh.

- "One mistake? That's like calling the maiden voyage of the _Titanic_ a minor boating accident. Alec, you tried to shorten my life."

- "It was just – She offered, but I thought about it and I couldn't go through with it – I couldn't do that to you."

A great weariness washed upon Magnus, leaving him bone-raw and deeply empty.

- "But you had to think about it. And you never mentioned it to me. He shook his head, disappointed. You didn't trust me. You never have."

Alec blanched and stammered with fearful eyes:

- "I do" he said. "I will – I'll try. Give me another chance –"

Magnus had to go. This was difficult and he pronounced these last words, the last words Magnus Bane would speak to Alec Lightwood, almost like scorching his throat and also, trying to keep him from himself, for his sake as for his own.

- "No" he said, harshly, quickly. "And if I might give you a piece of advice: Avoid Camille. There is a war coming, Alexander, and you don't want your loyalties to be in questions. Do you?"

It took Magnus all he had to turn away at this moment, tearing off half of himself. His wound didn't hurt anymore but he felt the need to slump over all the same. Never, in his 800 years, did he ever feel so hollow, timeless… as if nothing could ever get a hold on him anymore. He had thought this was the ultimate goal of an immortal, to be able to survive. Now that it was there, it felt awful. Alec's absence was screaming in every molecule of his being and it wasn't before he had walk a few kilometers that he started to believe maybe he had made a mistake… And the searing pain that fell on him and got him to his knees, sobbing heavily, as he never had since he was a young child, was not near as painful as the idea that he might have lost the only person he ever loved in over eight centuries… out of pure fear.


	2. Dust and Shadows

**Hello darlings! I know I should be updating Kissed but this... well it needed to get out :) I've been keeping this on hold for a while, feeling it was missing something but I think I found the gold line now :) So, I know there's almost nobody who reads this but the fews who does, please comment! I will be really happy if something come back to me on this chapter, it was awful to write for me. I had to dig on some past pains and well... it's never easy. But there you have it, I would love to keep this going till Malec comes back together... it should be 4-5 chapters from now, not sure. But I don't want to write it only for me (if not I just won't post it) so yeah... please review :)**

**Ps: the previous chapter 2 with Simon will come back later on in the story, it was too early before so sorry if you loved this chapter, it will be back soon!**

**Disclaimer : don't own TMI nor the characters.**

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Chapter 2 : Dust and Shadows

He stares at his hands, covered in blood and dust, moonlight reflecting on them through the stain-glassed windows. He can't feel nothing, his mind is blank and when he looks down at the crumpled body, he feels cheated. Cheated of his revenge, cheated of his anger. He doesn't know where the young vampire left... he just know she did. She told him she killed Camille, and when he had came closer to her, in a strange need to fulfill his desire for killing, she squealed and ran off, denying him his relief.

Magnus left him.

The thought keep revolving around his mind, obsessing and menacing, although he can't seem to grasp the meaning. Surely he's dreaming. This can't be. He loves him. Why would he leave him?

Memories flood back at him, his mind a complete harlot meant to destroy him, attacking him from every sides with all of what he did wrong... all that he knew he shouldn't have done.

His heart is a wreck, a child, whimpering his denial... They were perfect, they had everything, he was the one for him, they never should have parted... it's impossible. He'll come back. He knows that they're meant for each other...

The fight keeps on endlessly and Alec doesn't know how long he stays there looking at the pool of blood and the few remnants of his enemy's body. The one who got from Magnus what he always wanted... the possibility of never leaving him, of having him forever. And she had never wanted it. How ironic.

When he feels some warmth from the sun, his fixed glare unfocused and he find himself walking... to where? He doesn't know. He walks randomly in the streets, still empty, still numb of feelings, his heart and mind battling with him, warily watching it from afar.

He finds himself on the doorstep of the Institute, walking up, silenced by the raging fight inside him but he's not overwhelmed, not yet. He can't feel anymore. He's dead.

He pass by his sister who speaks to him, he thinks... but he won't hear her and let her shout at him while he restlessly make his way to his room... His room. It's not anymore. He wants a yellow comforter and caramel skin's arms to hug him to sleep, to make him feel safe and loved again...

His chest start expending and contracting at the same time. It pulls and tears inside of him. His need is wallowing, buzzed by the overwhelming pain that's getting to him. His heart is winning the fight slowly.

Alec open the door to his room in a rush. Suffocating, his knees buckling under him and he fall... to the floor and in his mind. Swallowed by the abyss, the pain, the hurt, the loss... nothing makes senses anymore and his body is raked violently, raped by the excruciating lack of Magnus's presence. His fingers claws at his chest and throat, struggled by the sobs and whines he haven't felt invading him. His vision blur and he feel like he's drowning. Moans and screams claim him and he can only bite down his fist brutally to keep them inside.

He doesn't want to share his pain, doesn't want Izzy or Jace to see his life leaking out of him. That's his to bear, his only left reminiscence of Magnus. If he's in pain, that means he existed, that means he loved him, that means he had something, that means he was there... that means he hadn't dreamt what he felt for him, still feels. It was true. At least for him.

Alec let the emotions rake through him, unfolding him, blinding him, killing him.. gratefully. Because he never want to live that again. He never want anybody else. If the pain is all that's left then he'll take it. If he can keep the pain, he can still hold on to... Magnus, to them.

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He founds himself in a dark alleyway, his blank mind obliterated by the pain. He doesn't want to let go of it. But it does... slowly the numbness comes back to him, his coping mechanism trying to swallow the memories, the pain and Magnus's presence. It want him to forget. But Alec doesn't want to forget. So he needs the pain. He's becoming reckless, wandering every night in dark corners where demons just wait to lurk and snap you out of your life.

And Alec enjoys it. He fight for his life and it's all that matters. The edge on which he walks, keeping him feeling, keeping him alive so he can hold on to some hope, so he won't forget. As his body flow through the usual motions, the ones he learned for almost 10 years of his life, fighting the demon that's trying to kill him, he rejoice in the stretch and pull of his muscles. When the seraph blade find its goal as he flip over the damned beast, lunging the blade deeply in the creature's chest, Alec close his eyes, the ichor spurting and covering his face and arms. As the demon dissipates, like dust and shadows, his high run low and he's back to the numbness again. His whole body ache, struggling from the excesses he never suffered, used to the bow and arrows.

Alec start to hyperventilate, feeling empty again. He cannot allow that. He has to keep himself distracted so he can still believe Magnus will come back.

Unaware of his goal, he starts to run. Running away from his own twisted mind who wants to capture him, tell him that it's over, that he screwed it all. Who wants to make him forget, who wants to erase the pain and leave him numb.

Alec legs cry in pain, but they're flying nonetheless, escaping the inevitable. He runs and runs, his face a mask of terrorized fury. He won't let it go away, he won't give up, he promise himself. Nothing else matters. Just Magnus.

He ends up in front of his doorstep, looking up to the flat... and looking at the beautiful yellow light pouring out of his lover's windows. He'll come back. He know he will. They were special. He wasn't trivial. Magnus told him himself. He has to believe... The trust that he used to lack of so much now flaring vividly in his chest. He doesn't want to be proven right. He has to trust Magnus. Believe in them.

His fingers finds his phone again, as it has been every time he doubts for the past three days, and he dial down the loved familiar number. He brings the phone to his ear and let it ring... again, and again, and again. When the line goes to the answering machine, he hangs up and dial again. He won't give up. Nothing else matters... He'll pick up, one day, he'll pick up.

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The water is running down his body, washing away the blood of another mindless hunt night, by himself. He can barely remember his family by now. They pass and walk around him as annoying flies, trying to know, trying to peel off his pain, his hopes but he won't let them. He need to keep it so he can fight the horrid truth...

Alec gasp, his hands fisting on the cold tiles, nails digging in the palms of his hands, no... no... not yet. He still want to believe. It's not over. Not yet... STOP!

But it's too late. The pain breaks free and sobs shakes him from head to toe and the harlot is back, telling him it's over... that he did everything he could do to ruin it. That it's time to face reality... Magnus will never come back. He did that. Alec's ears are filled with an awful wailing scream, full of hurt and rage and it takes him a moment to realize it comes from him. Anger fills him, he doesn't want to give up, doesn't want to let go and most definitely, doesn't want to see the truth. He just want the pain inside his chest and the mindless kill, the hope that Magnus will come back... But it's too late, it's gone now. He held on to it for five days and now it poured out of him.

His fists smash the tiles without mercy, again and again, trying to keep the pain, and soon enough the running water is tainted red, unwilling witness of the boy's struggles. Alec doesn't feel the water running cool nor when it is shut down. He doesn't feel the strong arms of his _parabatai_ around his back, doesn't feel when Jace enfold him in a warm towel, when he takes his hands and draw an iratze on them, screaming at Alec to let him know what's wrong. He's numb. He knows now. Whatever he do, Magnus won't come back.

The reality hits him like a ton of brick, as if the sky fell on him. He suffocates, his breath gone, and all he can do is curl around himself in a ball while the awful truth drown him and empty him. His fingers are digging in Jace's forearm but his brother is quiet now, he just take his pain and let it wash over them both. Alec doesn't need to speak now, his _parabatai_ understood and he lets him cry, unashamed by the weakness of his friend.

When Jace puts him to bed, leaving him empty of all energy, Alec is taken away by his cravings. Now that he know nothing will ever be the same again, that his pain will be all that's left, he needs to be comforted... and of course, only one person can comfort him. As stupid as it is, he can't stop himself. He wants Magnus to comfort him in the loss of... Magnus.

Unable to contain himself, he grabs his phone again and call. But this time, when the voice mail bip, he leave a message, one of many to come, he pour his heart out... as he should have done before, as he should have speaks to Magnus before instead of listening to his pride and fears. Instead of listening to... Camille.

He talks and talk and talk and soon, he just finish on those words, before the voice mail gets full :

- "Aku cinta kamu... I love you. I will always love you Magnus. Even if you don't come back, I won't give up. As you said, it doesn't change anything... I'll always wait, no matters what."

Alec hangs up. He feel empty but also... strangely free. He will wait. Because his life now, without the beautiful warlock, is nothing but... dust and shadows.

He will wait for his light.

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**So there you go, it's a little short compared to what I do usually but as it was really intense, I think you'll forgive me. Sorry if some are in an emotional wreck right now, I do understand it's harsh but it needed to be there... thanks to all who read this :)**


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